It’s been too long since I updated my blog. Honestly, I got so busy with life in general and then things just sort of went all over the place after Rocky broke up with me in mid March.
It was a relatively easy breakup, although it’s come with certain drama. In the end, I think we were “friends with benefits” for so long without even realizing it and that’s why it was so easy to get over him. I cried for a couple of days… I was upset about it for a week or so… and then I was ready to move on. And he obviously was too because he started seeing someone new 3 days after he broke things off. Whatever.
I moved on. I started dating. I went out with a few guys and I wasn’t really feeling it. I wasn’t even sure if I was ready to get into anything – I just really wanted to see who may be out there and maybe get myself out of the funk I was feeling. Every girl wants to feel loved and wanted… and I needed to feel that after being in a 9 month relationship where I hardly ever felt that. And then came along this man… this oddly perfect for me man.
I’ve never met someone who could read me like I was an open book, begging to be read. He picked up on my expressions, my tone, my body language… as if he’s somehow fluent in “Me”. Things progressed a little fast – a 4 hour first date spent doing nothing but talking at a book store, a 10 hour date spent mostly talking (and some eating), days spent together before he went back to work that are all a beautiful blur now. And the first kiss… literally the most epic of my life. I’ve never met someone I felt so easily connected to. I’ve never believed in the concept of happily ever after or that any man was really like the ones you see in sappy romantic comedies. But it’s real. He exists. I thought he was going to be mine.
And then he decided we should just be friends. It may or may not be forever… I don’t really know for sure. I respect and appreciate his decision in that he was trying to put us both first… caring more about making sure he didn’t hurt me and string me along than anything else. He has baggage. I do too. But he wants to be sure he’s able to go into this 100% and really… we have forever.
But this is so hard… too hard. I’m already getting hurt. I know it every time I see him. My brain is telling me I need to back off, stay away from him. My heart is pushing me, screaming at me to not let him slip away. That’s the hard part… knowing I should cut him out of my life completely before I really get myself heartbroken. And yet, I don’t… because the idea of him not being in my life hurts too much already. I like spending time with him and I get so much joy from it. I’m probably stringing myself along. I told him I wouldn’t wait for him forever – nor would he ever expect me to. But I did promise to be patient… and I am waiting for him to come to his senses. He probably won’t.
The problem is, I probably shouldn’t be in a relationship right now. In fact, I’m pretty sure that has bearing on his decision. I have a bunch of crap going on and I want to be able to put my best foot forward – I deserve that and a man like him certainly does.
This song, which oddly enough… he introduced me to… is exactly how I feel about him. I listen to it often.