Before I even start my whining, I just want to say that I recognize how lucky Jeremy and I are. We’ve come such a long way in a very short amount of time and we’ve worked together as a couple to realize a lot of our personal and financial goals. It’s been a wonderful experience that I wouldn’t trade for anything.
Sometimes it’s really hard. Some weeks I struggle and my chronic depression & anxiety give me a rough time of it. It happened again to me last week – I went from being incredibly happy for several weeks and getting so much amazing work (seriously, some of my BEST work) accomplished… to suddenly doing nothing all week because I felt tired, run down, and sad.
What changed recently?
Things have been slow at work for Jeremy. We go week to week unsure of whether or not he’s working and if so, where he’s being sent. More recently, it’s been Atlanta and has been for quite some time. If you’re new to my blog and don’t know… Jeremy programs power monitoring systems for data centers. Ideologically, he keeps the internet wheel spinning. His job often takes him out of town – usually Monday through Friday, and he travels back home for the weekend.
But lately, we’re really out of swing with our “normal” routine. Like I said – things have been slow. Jeremy has been coming home halfway through a work week and put on standby. Some weeks he doesn’t know where he’s going or if he’s even working until really last minute. Yes, we are super thankful he’s on salary.
He just had a pretty long “work from home, remotely” happening where he was at home for 3 weeks in a row. He spent the majority of it playing Diablo III and Dragon Age. I spent it mostly in my office working, but otherwise figuratively up his ass. It was nice. Never mind that he didn’t have to do work – it was just wonderful to be in the same state for more than 2 days out of the week.
But all things come to an end eventually… and Jeremy went back to work last week.
Queue the Depression
I tell him often “I don’t laugh when you aren’t home.” Maybe that’s an exaggeration – I do occasionally get a chuckle from internet things. But whole belly laugh? Nope. My entire week is instead filled with silence, otherwise only interrupted by the low hum of my laptop, or asshole cats meowing.
I had three, very happy weeks of him being around. We’re one of those couples who enjoy being in the same room together – even if we’re doing completely different things. Just being within arms reach makes all the difference in the world. I got used to him being there after those three weeks… and suddenly, he was gone again.
I knew Monday would be rough – it always is. I spent a lot of it in bed, trying to sleep. I felt like I couldn’t manage to sleep enough. I was exhausted. I was aching. I was depressed, but I wouldn’t yet admit it to myself. The rest of the week went similarly. I either felt really tired, hungry when I shouldn’t have been (I binge ate all week pretty badly), or I just felt bored… despite the long list of work I needed to be doing.
The Roller coaster
It’s the roller coaster that gets me the most. Jeremy sat through a work meeting via computer at the end of last week. The purpose was to give employees a heads up of what’s to come project wise. That’s when Jeremy dropped the bomb on me: He will likely be more busy with work going towards the end of the year, and it sounds like he won’t be working on the project local to us – something I thought he would be back to sometime this summer, but it just never happened.
It sounds like he’ll be doing a lot more traveling going into 2017 – and spending a lot more time on planes again. I’m really not looking forward to that. Going back and forth between home and Texas was so rough on him. He looked awful – large, purple bags under his eyes, thinning hair… he was exhausted and his body showed signs of stress and fatigue from all of the travel.
I stayed stressed out. I was driving him to the air port every week and picking him up. We never really knew exactly when he would make it home – delayed flights, switched flights, missing luggage. It was something different every week and it took a toll on him. And so, it took a toll on me.
I feel like we’re just hanging on tightly to the safety bar… building up with anticipation of what’s to come next and waiting for that fun, easy ride down in reward of our patience.
I think the biggest problem for me is the isolation. When Jeremy is gone, I’m home alone all week. It’s stupid… because this is the part that makes no sense: I don’t want to go anywhere or be around anyone a good 95% of the time. There’s that part of me who wants to just be home working on stuff related to my blog or business.
But there’s that other part who feels trapped at home… stuck here all by myself because he has to use the car to drive to work.
During Jeremy’s recent 3 weeks off from work, we largely stayed home. I’ve said it jokingly before, but I honestly think I just like the idea of having the option to leave the house. I don’t really need to go anywhere. I just want to know that I can.
This is my trigger: Feeling stuck. It stems from my first marriage – my ex husband did not allow me to go anywhere. I couldn’t just up and go places if I wanted to – not to see friends or family… or even to just go to the grocery store to get food for our daughter. So the car being gone brings back those same feelings of helplessness.
Depression Makes No sense
None. Not even in the slightest. Most of the time, I’m totally fine. Then bam… I’m depressed and laying in bed for 20 hours of the day. It’s stupid and annoying.
I’ve considered going back on Zoloft. It worked really well for me while I was on it. It did wonders for my problems with anxiety as well. But it isn’t cheap – and I’d have to go back into therapy which I can’t afford. I feel like almost anyone could benefit from therapy, so I’m not at all ashamed to say that I could use it. I have a lot of baggage stemming from life long emotional abuse from my parents, and physical abuse from multiple romantic partners.
But like I said – most days, I’m fine. I’m far, far removed from those negative impacts and I’ve started sorting out my feelings on my own and coming up with my own healthy ways of coping.
Answer True These Questions Two:
1. Is your partner out of town a lot?
2. Do you ever feel how I described in my post?