Maybe it’s the massive amount of cold meds I am on right now. Maybe I was loopy or sleep deprived. Whatever the reason, I said something aloud to Jeremy last night that I surprised myself with.
I want to have a baby.
Even under normal circumstances, wanting to have a baby is a big deal. For me, it’s massive. It’s a game changer. It’s more than a life altering occasion. I can’t even put into words what those 6 little words mean. Let’s start with the whole reason and meaning behind my tattoo.
The long and short of it is this: My daughter does not live with me. It took many years for me to come to terms with this. Once you’re a Mommy, it’s damn near impossible to turn it off. I literally went crazy when I tried to – hearing cries when she wasn’t there, making plates at dinner time, endless sippy cups… the works. At the end of it all, I came to one solid conclusion: I could not and did not want to have more children.
Life without my daughter seemed entirely pointless. How could I ever love another child without her present? It didn’t seem possible or even fair. At one point, I seriously considered getting a hysterectomy and only shied away from it because it’s expensive and seems sort of dangerous. Instead, I have been very careful with the partners I have had since my daughter’s father.
I couldn’t interact with children… at all. For several years, I couldn’t stand to hear children cry. I couldn’t talk to them. I could barely look at them. It was heart wrenching and it just tore open an already festering wound on my heart.
But then I started to heal. It started with my estranged ex husband Charlie passing away last year on Valentine’s Day. It made me realize how much I threw away between us and how much I hurt our marriage with my inability to cope. It made me realize that maybe if I had gotten the help I so desperately needed back then, I might be in an even better position today – financially as well as mentally.
I made an important promise to myself when we lost Charlie – I would figure out a way to be better and reincorporate myself into my daughter’s life. I’m proud and happy to say that I think I’ve made some progress towards that and hope to continue on this path. I have a long journey ahead of me and a lot to make up for, but I believe in time, I will.
Part of the journey is figuring out a way to forgive myself. I think that’s the hardest part. In the last year, I’ve figured out what it means to be responsible for your own happiness. I’ve worked really hard and I’m finally coming to terms with some mental health issues I have been battling for years.
I am not saying that I am ready to have a baby. I’d like to be. I wish I could say that I was at that point, but I’m not. I have a lot more growing and soul searching to do before I am ready to step back into Motherhood. But I think it speaks volumes that I feel like maybe one day, I can.
I’m still planning to be careful. We’re not ready. There’s a lot we need to go through as a couple before Jeremy and I can really talk about a family together. The difference is that now, the possibility is actually on the table.