My best friend is moving away today – across the country. I honestly feel that somehow, this is the end of our friendship. I know what you’re probably thinking, because I am too – how can he be my best friend if moving is all it takes to end our friendship?
We’ve had a strange relationship and I feel like I have always struggled to figure out my place in his life. We met with the intention of dating and anyone who knows me personally or saw us out together in the beginning, would tell you that we dated. In fact, I will tell you that we dated because in my heart, that’s exactly what happened. I don’t think he’d agreed with me.
One day, I realized that I was grasping at air. We didn’t have the relationship I thought we did and once again, I’d somehow made up feelings in my head. This is the second time in my life that I have done that and I’m not sure why it happened or what to really say about it. Thankfully, I figured it all out this time before it was too late and cost me another friend.
It was really difficult at first because I kept finding myself snuggled up in bed with him, sleeping over and constantly spending time together. But I detached in the end and found ways to go out and date other people – including a sort of friends with benefits situation for a few months that strangely enough provided me with something much more on par with a relationship by comparison. It gave me the perspective and attitude I needed in order to move on. After that, I found a way for us to be just friends and I stopped hoping for more from him.
I dated around a bit until I met Jeremy. After that, I stopped hanging out with my bestie so much. Not that I didn’t want to hang out with him – it’s just that new relationships take a lot of time to cultivate. Eventually we found a bit of balance and we’d have lunch together every now and then or he’d have dinner with Jeremy and I. It seemed to be working but I found us still spending less and less time together – even canceling plans with one another for some lame reasons.
I found out many weeks ago that he would be leaving. I didn’t spend nearly as much time with him as I’d have liked to thanks to holidays, work and being sick. Sunday was literally my last real opportunity and I feel like it was squandered – by both of us. A 12 hour wait for a reply from him about being busy and things being hectic made me shy away from pushing him to spend time with me. And besides, if I have learned anything at all, it’s to not try to push him to do things with me that he doesn’t even want to do. I figure if he really wanted to spend time with me alone before he left, he would have.
But that’s just it… now I feel like he didn’t want time with me and it’s made me incredibly sad. I promised myself that I wasn’t going to cry but I have and I am right now. It’s probably just that girl in me talking, but it makes me feel terribly discarded – like in the end, I didn’t matter. I know that’s silly, ridiculous and presumptuous, but that doesn’t make me feel any better.
I’m just as responsible. I should have pushed. He’s going to be gone – off to start a new life and I don’t know if I will ever see him again. Sure, his immediate family is here but that doesn’t mean I will still be here the next time he visits. So I won’t see him and our every day texting has significantly decreased. It won’t be long before days between texts turn into weeks and we find ourselves completely apart. I fear that we’re there already.
I’m sorry if this wasn’t the kind of post you were expecting from me today. I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t expose myself a little bit and talk about what’s important to me.