Once upon a time, I spent a lot of my free time writing out my various thoughts and life stories. And then a sad thing happened – I just found myself without the time, energy or blog-worthy content to post. I haven’t blogged on this website in well over a year. Something has been stopping me and tonight, I figured out what was causing the block.
It’s very simple. I needed to let go. I needed to believe that it was okay to be happy, okay to be successful, okay to fail, okay to love, okay to let the world know whenever any of these happened.
I’ve dealt with a lot of heartbreak, including losing my daughter in one of the most ridiculous and ass-backwards custody battles you could ever hear of. I’ve spent the last 5 years trying to put myself back together. I have only managed to be gainfully employed for the last 2 years. Before that, I was living in a daze and barely able to function on a basic, human level. I lost it all. I forgot who I was. I forgot what made me happy. I forgot what it was like to not live every day in complete misery.
I’ve realized that no one will ever understand. You can feel bad for me or think somehow that you can empathize – but unless you’ve faced my demons… you simply can’t. And that’s okay because frankly, I don’t want you to. I wouldn’t wish my past on my worst enemy – and that’s saying something. I am who I am because of the horror I have seen and I’m finally okay with that.
Several months ago, I met Jeremy – this incredible man who I wasn’t expecting. One date and we haven’t left one another’s side. I have never been more myself. I have been more happy in these months than I can remember being – ever. I feel more confident, excited about life, eager for what’s in the future.
I found a little piece of the puzzle that I didn’t know was missing and it has changed my life for the better in so many ways. The timing was perfect. I’m finally (mostly) put together. I’m excited to expand my horizons and make bigger, more positive changes in my life. He’s now along for that journey.
Thursday, I took the next step. We adopted two, 9-week old kittens affectionately named Bruce & Oliver. I am so in love. I forgot what it felt like to be Mommy – how large one’s heart can swell seeing their “children” explore and learn.
I was worried that I’d feel some sort of guilt. I’ve spent all of this time believing that I wasn’t capable, wasn’t deserving of loving or being loved. That’s simply not true. I deserve this. I deserve it more than I ever knew.
I feel like I’ve somehow taken another step in the right direction and life is starting to take on a better shape. Despite the hate thrown at me, the jealousy, the negative interference. Here’s to Growth, Change & Adulthood.