I was talking to my boss about the recent passing of Robin Williams. It was announced yesterday that he had indeed committed suicide and died from asphyxiation via hanging by his belt in his closet at home.
This devastates me – the idea that someone who has brought so much laughter and joy to millions of people, felt like he had nothing left… no one to turn to… no other way in which to achieve peace. Someone with so much going for him must have been in so much pain to take his life like that. It hurts me. It triggered a very sore spot for me.
I have suffered from depression the majority of my life and have on several occasions, felt that the world would be better if I simply didn’t exist. I told myself many times that I was a useless drain on society – that I could do nothing more than harm the people around me by being alive. It doesn’t help that people who should be extremely close to me, have gone to great lengths to tell me these things and make me feel this way. I still often feel like a screw up and like people would be better off without me. And if someone like Robin Williams can feel that way, what chance do I have?
Only in the last 2 years have I really started getting myself together. It’s been an uphill battle and I wouldn’t be where I am without constant support. Sometimes I look back and I wonder how I even made it here because it doesn’t seem real. I grieved for 3 years after losing my daughter. It stripped me completely of my identity. I was no longer Mommy… no longer the person I had wanted to be my entire life. I don’t even really remember who that woman was any more. She’s gone. I don’t know if she’ll ever really come back.
But there’s beauty in the struggle. I wouldn’t be here posting this. I would have never discovered some of the best parts of myself. I wouldn’t have my closest friends. I wouldn’t have a wonderful man in my life. There would be no kitties sleeping at my feet. I may have lost everything, but I gained so much else. And there’s a chance that one day… I will really have it all. And I will appreciate it all the more because of the struggle.
Today, I am reminded of one of my favorite songs. It speaks of struggle – mostly in a financial sense. But when I hear it, I think of the struggle of being human… of just trying to make it from day to day… getting out of bed in the morning… finding meaning in life.
[gdlr_video url=”https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1sa9qeV6T0o” ]
Please. If you are reading this… please seek help if you ever feel like you are considering suicide. This is a list of suicide hotlines. Call them. It’s literally a group of people who have dedicated their lives to making sure that you know that no matter what, they care.
Depression hurts. Not just you, not just me… but everyone your life touches and affects. You ARE important. You have meaning.
[gdlr_quote align=”center” ]900 years of time and space and I’ve never met anyone who wasn’t important.
– The Doctor; Doctor Who