Boy You’re My Reflection

It’s been too long since I updated my blog. Honestly, I got so busy with life in general and then things just sort of went all over the place after Rocky broke up with me in mid March.

It was a relatively easy breakup, although it’s come with certain drama. In the end, I think we were “friends with benefits” for so long without even realizing it and that’s why it was so easy to get over him. I cried for a couple of days… I was upset about it for a week or so… and then I was ready to move on. And he obviously was too because he started seeing someone new 3 days after he broke things off. Whatever.

I moved on. I started dating. I went out with a few guys and I wasn’t really feeling it. I wasn’t even sure if I was ready to get into anything – I just really wanted to see who may be out there and maybe get myself out of the funk I was feeling. Every girl wants to feel loved and wanted… and I needed to feel that after being in a 9 month relationship where I hardly ever felt that. And then came along this man… this oddly perfect for me man.

I’ve never met someone who could read me like I was an open book, begging to be read. He picked up on my expressions, my tone, my body language… as if he’s somehow fluent in “Me”. Things progressed a little fast – a 4 hour first date spent doing nothing but talking at a book store, a 10 hour date spent mostly talking (and some eating), days spent together before he went back to work that are all a beautiful blur now. And the first kiss… literally the most epic of my life. I’ve never met someone I felt so easily connected to. I’ve never believed in the concept of happily ever after or that any man was really like the ones you see in sappy romantic comedies. But it’s real. He exists. I thought he was going to be mine.

And then he decided we should just be friends. It may or may not be forever… I don’t really know for sure. I respect and appreciate his decision in that he was trying to put us both first… caring more about making sure he didn’t hurt me and string me along than anything else. He has baggage. I do too. But he wants to be sure he’s able to go into this 100% and really… we have forever.

But this is so hard… too hard. I’m already getting hurt. I know it every time I see him. My brain is telling me I need to back off, stay away from him. My heart is pushing me, screaming at me to not let him slip away. That’s the hard part… knowing I should cut him out of my life completely before I really get myself heartbroken. And yet, I don’t… because the idea of him not being in my life hurts too much already. I like spending time with him and I get so much joy from it. I’m probably stringing myself along. I told him I wouldn’t wait for him forever – nor would he ever expect me to. But I did promise to be patient… and I am waiting for him to come to his senses. He probably won’t.

The problem is, I probably shouldn’t be in a relationship right now. In fact, I’m pretty sure that has bearing on his decision. I have a bunch of crap going on and I want to be able to put my best foot forward – I deserve that and a man like him certainly does.

This song, which oddly enough… he introduced me to… is exactly how I feel about him. I listen to it often.

;

Google Glass Fulfilled My Lifelong Wish

GoogleGlasses

 

Dear Google,

Today, you granted my life long wish… sort of. You see, I’m 27 years old and for my entire life, I have been legally blind in my right eye. When I was 2 weeks old, a surgery was performed with the intent of removing a cataract from my eye. Unfortunately, it resulted in a torn lens and left me with only enough visibility to see light and some color. I have no peripheral view and hardly any concept of distance or depth.

You showed me what it looks like to see with both eyes thanks to your Google Glass Official Promo Video. At first, it was just a cool demo video and I applauded the concept of Google Glass. And then it came at 1:04 – the vision of the wearer riding a bike through New York City. Tears streamed down my eyes as I realized for the first time… I was seeing the world through someone else’s eyes as it happened: Real, peripheral view with depth perception. Beautiful. Amazing. Breathtaking.

I know you only meant to show me how neat your invention is. I know you really meant to try to sell me a product. I think that’s what makes this moment even more special: You gave me something I’ve waited for all my life without even knowing it.

Thank you for the wonderful gift. I have watched the video dozens of times now and wept repeatedly. I hope that in the future, you will consider making this product for the semi-visual impaired with a screen that shows for the left eye.

Love, Me

Writer’s Note:

For those curious, using any camera is similar to the view in the video with these glasses. However, knowing that this is what people actually see is what makes all the difference for me. If I were to ride a bike through New York City, the majority of what the rider is seeing to their right, would be a huge blind spot for me – particularly as the person rode past the cars. Everything to the right of my nose would be blank. Seeing another person’s peripheral view as it happens was something I’d not experienced.

Our Valentine’s Day: Why I’m the Best Girlfriend

ValentinesDayRose

We celebrated Valentine’s Day last night. Because I worked last week on the 14th and didn’t get paid until the 15th, it made more sense for us to just delay our celebration of this Hallmark and candy company driven holiday. I love any excuse to do something super awesome for him tho.

My Gift(s)

He bought me flowers – very soft pink roses. They are so pretty! But they oddly have twigs of rosemary in the bunch. Is this a sign that I need to do more cooking? lol He also brought me friggin delicious Lindt Truffles. OMG. I am on a weird sugar binge lately and I needed these. NEEDED THEM.

Despite being told that the movie I wanted to see was “Sort of like Twilight” by a mutual friend, he took me to see Beautiful Creatures – it’s one of my favorite books. He didn’t love it, but he certainly didn’t hate it – I even caught him laughing and having a good time at one point. ;)

His Gift(s)

My big gift to him was a Minecraft cake. Okay, so it didn’t turn out as beautifully as I hoped. In retrospect, I probably should have used brownies instead of cake. It was a moist, delicious cake… but it was also pretty messy. Oh well, you live and learn. It was the thought and the hard work I put into it that mattered (plus it was quite yummy and fun!).

I cooked a big dinner. I feel like I don’t get to cook for him as much as I’d like to. I swear that man came for the pussy and stays for the food. (Look baby! I found a place to use that quote… haha). I made citrus blast pasta which is basically fettuccine tossed in a cream sauce infused with orange and lemon zest, mint, basil and Parmesan cheese. SO GOOD. I have made it for him a handful of times – including our first date (I swear, that’s how I hooked this gorgeous man and tricked him into loving me).

But as if all of that weren’t enough… I wanted to do MORE. I wanted so badly to buy him these Star Wars chop sticks I had seen via Pinterest. Sadly, the ones I really wanted that would light up were just too expensive (the ones that don’t light up are like $12 which is awesomely cheap). But I’d kind of already spent more money than I wanted to with the cake and dinner.

FORTUNATELY… I entered a giveaway a few weeks ago and I received the email last night that I friggin won the whole damn thing. And now, I have wonderful gifts to give to him.

Including… A signed Lucasfilm Moleskine journal – which has the Lucasfilm logo on the front, signed by 8 artists of Star Wars: The Clone Wars tv series.

I have dubbed myself the best girlfriend… ever.

Blogging… Who Has Time!?

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I can’t believe it’s been nearly a month already since I blogged. I remember when I started writing publicly about 7 years ago, it seemed like I always had something to say. I posted about everything – from major life events to unimportant daily activity. I know that in order for my blog to be successful, I need to post more often, but what am I supposed to talk about and where do I find the time?

Once upon a time, I thought my life was interesting. Maybe it still is? But it seems odd to take time to write about my day… knowing it consisted of sleeping, eating food and going to work. That’s all my life is any more. Is this what it means to be an adult? If so… That sucks.

Perhaps I’m wrong – maybe someone out there is interested in my life, regardless of the seemingly mundane. Or maybe I was just crazy all of those years when I posted my life happenings and expected people wanted to know that I did my laundry and went to the grocery store.

This blog doesn’t seem to have purpose. I wanted it to… I still want it to I suppose. I started it because I wanted to talk about Doctor Who. Then I realized… when do I have time!? Even when the show was in season, I had only enough time to watch it and then go to sleep because I work on weekends. I tried writing reviews – mostly about books and movies. I enjoyed that, but I don’t really have time for reading any more (Seriously, I’ve been trying to read the first book in the Wheel of Time series for like… 5 months?).

Then I considered the idea of writing about my relationship – specifically my journey with The Boyfriend in BDSM. That caused problems with Google, who apparently are not fond of adult content mixing with their ads. I was kind of hoping to use the ads to make a little extra cash. Then again, that’s never going to happen… not if this blog never gets any readers.

Perhaps subject matter isn’t even my problem. I have many interests (beyond Doctor Who… stop it… I really do! lol). I love WordPress, technology, Minecraft, Nail Polish, Geekery in general. But the TIME to blog?… I’m fresh out!

Hey You…

What do you blog about and where do you find the time? Perhaps I’m missing something! I’d love to hear any tips or tricks you use.

Narcolepsy: I’m More Tired Than You Are

NarcolepsyPost

No one is more understanding when you tell them “I’m so tired!” than I am. Hi… My name is Kimi and I’m a narcoleptic.

In case you don’t know what that is, Narcolepsy is a neurological sleep disorder caused by the brain’s inability to regulate sleep and wake cycles normally. Typically, Narcoleptics have a “broken” REM (Rapid Eye Movement) sleep which they experience about 5 minutes into their sleep. Many people experience their REM sleep an hour or so into sleeping and get a deeper, longer sleeping experience.

The main characteristic of narcolepsy is Excessive Daytime Sleepiness (EDS), even after getting what most would consider to be an adequate amount of nighttime sleep. A person with this disorder is likely to “nod off” briefly or even fall asleep several times a day – often at inappropriate places and times.

Using myself as an example, I am typically in bed every day a total of 12 hours as I struggle to get enough sleep in order to function normally – cook without burning my apartment down, drive my car without nodding off and getting into a major accident, performing the tasks at my place of employment. Falling asleep in public is very common for me. Whether I be out to dinner, watching TV with my boyfriend or yes… even at very loud venues such as a club, I’m the master of falling asleep.

Why am I even telling you all of this? I am so tired (excuse the pun!) of people complaining to ME about how tired they are and then trying to have a pissing contest with me about it. No one is more empathetic to the sentence “I am so tired” than a Narcoleptic. We understand tired. We live tired.

So you went to bed late last night. Maybe you had to get up earlier than you wanted. Your newborn kept you up last night. Been there. Done that. And I had a sleeping disorder kicking my ass the whole damn way. When I tell you “I’m really tired”, I mean it. I don’t even use that phrase lightly any more. I know the distinct difference between me feeling legitimately tired and feeling fatigued from work. It doesn’t matter how tired you think you are. I am ALWAYS more tired than you are. And it doesn’t stop there. Check out what else I get to deal with as a Narocleptic…

We already touched base on EDS, so let’s get to the other 4 classic symptoms of Naroclepsy. Because I have more trouble with some than others, I am going to list them in the order of my own difficulty.

Cataplexy

Cataplexy is a sudden loss in muscle tone often triggered by emotions such as laughing, crying, terror, etc.  The exact cause of cataplexy is unknown, but the condition is strongly linked to experiencing intense emotions and reduced levels of the neurochemical hypocretin. I break up my own experience with the episodes into 3 different categories as described below:

The “Cutting Myself Some Slack”: The facial muscles will go slack and/or I will experience a full head bob. I interpret this as my body telling me to not push my luck and as a warning that I’m more tired than I think I am. As a personal note, this tends to happen most often during “highs” – where my body is running on a lot of adrenaline rather than sleep. I can typically regain control of my body quickly through breathing and concentration techniques that I have found work for me. You may not even notice it happened. I think I’ve gotten pretty good at hiding it.

The “Almost Faint”: The most unpredictable of episodes for me (by that I mean, I haven’t figured out what emotion or situation is really causing it). It all starts off the same – the muscles in my face will go slack and my head will have a sort of cloudy feeling. That’s when my arm and muscles will feel sort of numb and heavy as they lose strength. I call this one the Almost Faint because in this scenario, I manage to grab hold onto something in order to prevent a full collapse. My upper body strength always returns first and by hanging onto something – a shelf, a person… I am able to steady myself until the episode passes and I regain control.

The “I’ve Fallen and Can’t Get Up”: I’m a walking Life Alert commercial. This is the thankfully the most rare of my scenarios having occured only 6 times since I was diagnosed a few years ago. A full-blow attack like this one is often mistaken as a stroke – it looks similar. It starts just as the others with the facial slack, the loss of muscle tone. The difference for me personally is my slurred speech and blurry vision. My brain while completely aware, struggles to understand the world around me because it’s too busy trying to figure out how to prevent me from falling and injuring myself. That’s the goal… when I know I’m going down, figure out how to do it with the least possible injury. Fortunately, the fall is slow and progressive and now that I know the first several seconds of the episode, I can prepare for the fall by quickly assessing my surroundings. So far, I’ve managed to sit down “Indian Style” or fall sideways to avoid hitting furniture.

Hypnagogic Hallucination

This phenomenon (because seriously, that’s what it is) is basically the feeling of transitioning into sleep – being sort of half awake. It’s very common for Narcoleptics because of our erratic REM pattern. It’s what causes our vivid, intense and often odd dreams. As a personal note, I once dreamed about a dream and got stuck there. I felt like my body was actually present in the second dream and I had to tell myself to go to sleep and dream about the first dream in order to return. Trippy? Yup. And exhausting…

Automatic Behaviors

This one is different for everyone. What the Narcoleptic does is completely their own. An Automatic Behavior is the spontaneous production of often purposeless verbal or motor behavior without conscious self-control or self-censorship. As an example, sleep walking is an automatic behavior. Personally, I often respond in my sleep to questions without recollection of the conversation. Worse… I tend to get very angry and aggressive when this symptom mixes with the hallucinations. I become very aware that I am trying to sleep and I begin cursing and yelling at the offender – again, without recollection.

Sleep Paralysis

This is a phenomenon in which people (either when falling asleep or wakening) temporarily experience inability to move. It’s basically when the brain has woken up but hasn’t yet told your body. You’ll feel very heavy, like someone is holding you down. It is believed a result of disrupted REM sleep.

Conclusion? I’m more tired than you are.

Well, unless you too suffer from Narcolepsy or an equally severe sleeping disorder… I am more tired than you are. Please, I’m begging you… think before you try to one-up me with what errands or chores you had to do today and how you’re tired because of it. Living, being awake… that is my daily chore.

Look… I’m not trying to complain. This is the hand I was dealt, ya know? I am just looking for the same level of empathy. I accept that you’re tired. I know the feeling all too well. But accept that I’m doing all of the same things you are in life… while being ridden hard by a neurological sleep disorder for which there is no cure.