CurrentlyLifeUpdate

Currently: The Personal Stuff

I know I’ve been sharing a lot of ‘feels’ recently and I wanted to thank everyone for being so supportive, uplifting, and incredibly kind. I know for me, it sometimes feels weird when bloggers I enjoy are going through a rough time – especially if I can’t relate. So thank you for sticking with me and just being really cool about it.

This past weekend was really good for me. Although Jeremy got home incredibly late Saturday night, I had a full weekend away from the house. We didn’t get to do everything we wanted (I swear, I’ve been trying to go see X-Men: Apocalypse for a month now) but we had some productive conversations in regards to our lifestyle, my health, money, etc. Although I fear these talks may yet be just a band-aid over my feelings and issues, they have left me feeling like I’m in a good place for now.

If I’m being really honest, I think everything I’ve had on my mind has always been there and I just sort of cracked. I just started the 21st day of my period. I wish I were joking. I think somewhere around the start of week #3 I just couldn’t take the hormones any more and I broke down.

Yes, I know that having a 3 week long period is totally not cool and totally not normal. How in the hell did I ever go from no periods to having the periods from hell!? Get what you ask for, I guess. I know I need to go back to my doctor but since I fell through the cracks of the Affordable Health Care Act and South Carolina didn’t expand its Medicaid program, I’m at a loss here.

After our deep conversations this weekend, I finally… FINALLY got Jeremy to be proactive and to ask about his health insurance at work and find out if there were any chance at all of including me on it. He apparently has some sort of “plan” where every paycheck he pays into a medical fund and if he needs to use it, he can. He promised to find out more information but he’s pretty sure that he cannot involve me unless we’re married. Truth be told… it doesn’t sound like it would be of much use to me anyways. It doesn’t sound like a traditional health care insurance plan at all. Everything is directly out of pocket – meaning my repeat trips to the doctor would eat up that little nest egg fast.

Jeremy never gets sick and when he actually does, it’s some pathetic 3-4 day cold and it’s over. When he does go to the doctor, it’s for a checkup… ya know, that thing serious adults do (haha WTF I suck at adulting). He has his VA insurance as well, so he’s totally covered in every respect. But still, I would hate to end up using all of the money he’s stashed away in this fund for something like getting my lady bits looked at. At the end of the day, I’m not hurt or dying just because my overaies aren’t functioning correctly. So for now, I’m just going to have to accept that this is what it is. Save that money for an emergency scenario.

I don’t know where that puts us in regards to the whole starting a family thing. I turn 31 soon… so by the standards of my own biological clock, we still have 4 more years before I said I was done trying. For now, I’m going to focus on the things I CAN work on and CAN change.

 

This Week & Blogging

I’m feeling a lot less stuck this week and have started to bury my nose into my blog where it belongs. I love my blog and I think a portion (however small) of the problem for me lately is that blogging slows down so much in the summer and it’s difficult to keep it going strong until closer to Autumn when things really pick up in the blogging world. I’ve been making the push to do more around here, update some things, attract new sponsors (go say hi to my new loves in the sidebar!), and to focus on growing my readership again.

My regular posts like Things I Love Thursdays and Funko Fridays are getting major overhauls. I enjoyed those blogging prompts, but there were things about them that made for stressful, sub par posting. I’m exploring ways to make them better without making me want to rip my hair out.

I miss The Golden Snitch. I had such a great time with it and I think everyone who got involved did as well. I originally took a break because of moving and then it just sort of never came back. This is partly due to lack of time. But if I am being honest, I found that people weren’t interested in spending the money to help me offer larger prizes. I found myself paying a ton of money out of pocket for shipping a couple of times plus being responsible for covering the cost of whatever prizes the sponsors didn’t pay for. I couldn’t keep up with those costs. I am totally open to ideas on how to bring this back in July and make it better.

 

Work

I’ve decided that going back to work right now is a dumb idea. I know we could use the money, but I just don’t see it being a possibility for us right now. My license is still suspended (I know, I know… it should have long since been taken care of but I didn’t have the extra funds to throw at it haha) and before I start regularly driving to and from work again, we have to pay to get it addressed. There’s just no sense in doing this in any other order.

Fix my license. Pay off the Chevy Cobalt. Sell the Chevy Cobalt. Use the money as a down payment on buying a newer, used car for myself. Go back to work part time.

This is how it has to work. It sucks, but this is the way we have to do it. Jeremy was talking about paying off the Cobalt and immediately buying me a new car but there’s no sense in doing this if I can’t legally drive it. I’m just going to have to work super hard to make money from my blogging efforts this summer and tighten our spending budgets elsewhere so we can pay off the car faster, plus address my license. We can totally do this! But it has to be in this order and going back to work isn’t the answer.

 

Thanks :)

So again… thanks everyone for being so supportive during this time. I am really a very lucky lady that I have you all to vent my feelings and insecurities to. I know I will get through this heavy time in one piece – I’ve been through much worse in my life. Not really sure why these past few weeks came tumbling down on me, but I will pick myself up and we’ll all move forward to more awesome things.

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How I Chose Which Version of Overwatch Was For Me

I’m literally late to the game, but I’m here now and that’s all that matters. That’s right… I’m playing Overwatch and LOVING it. What took me so long? Well, I couldn’t decide if I should play on PC or PS4. Naturally, this is a life-changing decision, so it took me several weeks to make a choice… and then one was sort of chosen for me.

How to Choose the Right Version of Overwatch
I had a list of Pros and Cons for each option available to me which you can see below. Unfortunately, there were things I didn’t know about game play before I started forming a decision. Keep that in mind when reading through my lists because honestly, if the choice hadn’t been made for me, I might have accidentally gone a different way!
 

Overwatch PC Version

PROS

  • Being a former World of Warcraft player, I felt I would best adapt to a new Blizzard game if I chose to play on PC.
  • I suck at PS4 and wondered if I would enjoy the PC format more.
  • I knew of a lot of people playing the PC version and so I’d have friends to play with.
  • The PC version was cheaper at only $40.


CONS

  • Unfortunately, Jeremy only plays console. He doesn’t even use a computer outside of work. We wouldn’t be able to play together (of course I know now that it’s not a multi-player game).
  • I purchased my laptop last year so it isn’t super old and it met the minimum requirements, but I was unsure it could graphically handle the game.
  • I wouldn’t be able to play with my bestie either who is playing the PS4 version.
  • $40 is still a lot of money for a game I would be playing alone.

 

Overwatch PS4 Version

PROS

  • I could play the game with or without Jeremy and we could bond over it (or so I was thinking – since apparently it turns out that the game is one player only).
  • It was likely his whole family would end up with the game and I love playing stuff with all of them.
  • Playing console would mean less time spent in my office.
  • Plenty of friends were playing on PS4, including my bestie.


CONS

  • I suck at PS4 controllers. I’ve played other first person shooters and I worried I’d suck because of it and hate playing.
  • More people seemed to be playing the PC version and I’d miss out on playing with them.
  • The PS4 version is much more expensive.
  • Although I could play with Jeremy (nope), I don’t like playing split screen (not a problem doofus) and it would probably cause me to not play much – at least not while he’s home.

 

The Tough Decision

If I could make the decision knowing what I know now, I’d probably choose to play PC. Jeremy is gone all week for work anyways and there’s not much opportunity for us to play a console game together even if we could. As it turns out, Overwatch is a one player game – meaning, there’s no split screen option or ability to play with anyone unless you have a second PS4 and a second TV at your disposal. That works great for when Jeremy would want to play with his brothers who all have PS4s… but being a one PS4 household means we could never play together.

Fortunately, my bestie made the ultimate call and he purchased the PC version for me before I ever had the chance to buy the PS4 version. I’m so thankful that he did because it was totally the right choice for me. Yeah, it’s more time spent in my office… but it works in my favor. I love taking a break from my work to play a quick game. That’s the BEST part of it.

 

PC or Console?

Overwatch is available for PC, PS4, and XBOX1. What system are you playing Overwatch on, or what would you choose? Be sure to add me via my Battle.net tag at KimiWho#1773 because I’d LOVE to play a game with you!

P.S. Mercy is bae.

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How I Manage My Straight, Oily Hair in the Summer

Disclaimer: This post contains affiliate links to awesome products I use to keep my hair in check. This giveaway at the bottom of this post was sponsored by an amazing blogger.

If you weren’t blessed with the model-perfect hair you wish you had… then Summer and it’s best friend Humidity will make your life miserable. I live in South Carolina where humidity and scorching heat are real contenders against my every day ‘do. Fortunately, I’ve mastered the art of living with oily, straight hair in a humid climate and you can to using just a few products in your daily routine.

How I Manage My Straight Oily Hair in The Summer
 

My Daily Cleaning Routine

Keeping up with a regular routine in terms of washing your hair is important. It lays the foundation for your hair. You want your hair to be clean, but also healthy!

I know, I know… You’ve been told time and time again not to wash your hair every day. You already know that repeatedly washing your hair is known to dry out your locks. But if you are like me, your hair produces enough oil for you, a friend, and three cousins… so skipping a hair wash means going out looking like you combed your hair with fried chicken that day. Ew.

I try hard not to wash my hair every day – a luxury only provided to me since I work from home and I don’t have to leave the house every day. But if you have to wash your hair, you may as well do it with a shampoo that will help revitalize your hair and protect it from all of the damage we put it through. Neutrogena Triple Moisture Cream Lather Shampoo is one of my favorites because it makes my hair feel soft and clean without that greasy feel or weighted down look.

But let’s be reasonable. No girl can survive on one shampoo alone – especially not if you have oily hair and live in a humid climate. When my hair starts to feel like it’s not behaving or feels like there is too much product built up despite washing, I cycle through a couple of other shampoos – my favorite of which is Neutrogena Anti-Residue Shampoo. I use it sparingly. It strips all sorts of yuck out of your hair in a wash and I don’t recommend daily wash with it. But it’s seriously fab for when you need a little extra clean.

Neutrogena Triple Moisture Shampoo
Neutrogena AntiResidue Shampoo

 

Before I Style

I towel dry my hair really well. Seriously, like ridiculously well. I try to use as little heat as possible because it goes through enough of that with the hot temperatures of a southern summer. And even once I’ve towel-dried my hair, I let it air dry while I do my makeup.

I hate most hair products. I don’t like the gunky feeling of all of these balms and pomades meant to tame frizzy hair. I have some frizz, sure… but I’d take that over greasy, slicked down hair any day. Most days, I’m a one-product gal, but in the summer… I often find that I have to increase that to using two or three products if I want to achieve a certain look and actually keep it.

I received a sample size of Not Your Mother’s Whip It Up Cream Styling Mousse last year and I’ve been obsessed with it ever since. It gives great hold, does a wonderful job of managing frizz and stray hairs, but doesn’t make my hair feel gross. Best part is that it helps create volume. So if you are like me and lacking in the volume department, it’ll help give your hair some life while you’re working to style.

I literally use about a quarter size amount and run it through my hair from root to tip, focusing more heavily on the back of my hair where I need more control since I rock a longer pixie cut and spike up the back. This is literally the only product I need to run through my hair before I begin to dry and style.

I couldn’t possibly recommend the Not Your Mother’s Hair Product Line more – especially if you have oily hair. There’s everything from mousse to texture spray, dry shampoo (an absolute MUST in the summer as far as I am concerned), hair gel, and even shampoo and conditioner (which I am anxious to try).

Not Your Mothers Hair Care Line

 

Awesome Tools I Use

I have straight hair, sure… but it takes several tools to tame my mane. My straight hair is prone to cowlicks, frizz, and naturally falling in some wacky ways. That’s why in addition to using a blow dryer on low heat, I use a larger round brush to help me maximize volume and control over my locks.

Most days, my sweeping bangs behave themselves. On days they don’t, I pull out a ceramic flat iron and use it on a low heat setting to sweep them in the direction I want them to go and quite literally iron out the cowlick I struggle with at my widow’s peak.

I don’t know where my ex boyfriend got this flat iron. He’s a hair stylist and he gave this flat iron to me when we dated 4 years ago. It was already ancient back then. This thing has to at least be 6 years old, if not older. Y’all… you get friggin get it on Amazon for less than $30. I highly recommend it. It works great and it’s still going strong after all this time. Here it is:

Ceramic Tools Flat Iron

But then there’s these brushes now that I’ve heard a lot of good things about if you have hair like mine especially – straight, but in need of some work. They look so cool and I read that not only can you use them on any type of hair for the purpose of straightening, you can use them paired with moisturizing hair products such as hot oil treatments. Keep reading because one of my lovely sponsors is giving one away at the bottom of this post and you don’t want to miss out on it.

 

Hair Style Maintenance

Oh hair spray and dry shampoo. Where would I be without you? I know, I know… I said I don’t much care for hair product but in the summer especially, a fine mist hair spray is essential. Not only does it keep my style, it isn’t terribly sticky. My favorite is Suave Professionals Touchable Finish Lightweight Hold because it sprays evenly in a nice, fine mist. It doesn’t interrupt my style with a heavy, wet, hairspray feel.

But let’s be reasonable… Straight, Oily hair + Humidity means that about 8 hours into your day, you probably look like a drowned rat. I should buy stock in a dry shampoo because it’s been the best hair saver. Need to freshen up your hair and don’t have time to shower before hanging out with your best gal pals at night? Spray Suave Professionals Dry Shampoo on the roots of your hair, lifting layers of your hair to coat the roots. Let the dry shampoo sit for a couple of minutes and it will soak up the excess oil from your hair and then you can comb it through. It’ll leave behind a lot of texture and allow for easy re-styling.

 

Giveaway

Now that I’ve shared my personal tips to maintaining straight, oily hair in the summer… it’s time for a giveaway! You too can manage your hair this summer and my sponsor Tiffany from Straight Hair Club is going to help out one lucky reader by giving away this Apalus Hair Straightening Brush. Check out Tiffany’s blog for many more tips, styling help, tools and products you can use for achieving an maintaining straight hair.

Apalus Hair Straightening Brush

This giveaway is open to residents of the United States Only and ends at 12AM EST on 6/28/16. All entries will be verified. Entering below agrees to all terms and conditions within the Rafflecopter widget.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

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To the Man Not Yet a Daddy

Mother’s Day has been really hard on me for the past several years. Sometimes I do everything I can to ignore it and sometimes I just let the day chew me up and spit me out. It’s hard… smiling politely when people wish you a Happy Mother’s Day when you still feel like not quite a Mom. Complete strangers do it too, thinking they are doing something nice by mentioning it… just in case you’re a Mom too. All of it is so painful in a way I don’t even think I can form the words to describe and for so many reasons. And none of it… NONE OF IT hurts as badly as Father’s Day does for me this year knowing that I can’t seem to give a family to the man I love.

I don’t know at what point I should assume my problems with infertility started. Always? I mean, a doctor told me when I was 15 years old that conceiving was unlikely. I managed to defy the odds, but now they seem stacked up against me. We’ve been trying for a year… and not preventing for 2 years. And nothing. Just… nothing.

I want to give Jeremy a family. I want to feel like I did my part. Right now I feel like I’m just existing. There’s a void and it’s one I thought I’d managed to fill with other things. But it’s been 7 years and I’m still mourning over Hailey and the time we lost. It’s a wound buried almost a decade deep and it’s risen to the surface like a tender bruise you managed to ignore most of the time, and suddenly remember when you accidentally bump it against a door knob. Well my bruise hurts and everything seems to be bumping against this very tender spot.

I want to be able to give that kind of love and connection to him… for him to know what it feels like to be someone’s parent… to experience the rewards and the struggles of raising children together. And I feel like I’m failing.

I had a breakdown in the middle of writing this – somewhere between the second and third paragraph. It was unexpected and I cried like I was in mourning. Huge sobs and deep, sharp breaths that have left me emotionally and physically exhausted. I feel spent and useless so I’ll just end with this…

To the man I love with all of my heart… I am so, so incredibly sorry that I haven’t made you a Daddy yet. I promise I’m trying. I’m trying so hard.

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Some Personal Feelings

It’s almost 4am and I’m up in my office. I’m at my desk and finally taking the time to get more personal and own up to some things going on in my life right now because if I’m being honest… I am emotionally exhausted and really hurting.

Somewhere in the last month or so, I started having some trouble with depression again. It could be for any number of reasons I suppose – all of which I think are valid and logical reasons for being upset and sad. It’s not often that my depression makes sense or that I can pinpoint specific reasons I’m struggling. But all of these… they are crystal clear to me.

 

Jeremy is Never Home

Okay, maybe that isn’t fair. I recognize that we just had a couple of months worth of time together where he was always home and still even getting paid all the while (hooray salary). But the trade off is almost never seeing him when he is working. And arguably worse… seeing him so briefly that it’s like pouring salt in a fresh wound since I’m seeing him for less than 60 hours a week and we’re asleep for more than half of it.

He’s been back to driving to Atlanta Monday mornings and comes home on the weekends. This used to mean he’d get home sometime Friday afternoon but lately it means coming home somewhere between late Friday night, Saturday afternoon, or even Saturday night. It’s taking a toll on me because I’m stuck at home by myself. The company vehicle he was given was returned because the lease expired and the week before that, the Dodge got a flat and I wasn’t about to drive around on a donut. So I’ve been sitting at home for weeks now.

I don’t really have a reason to go anywhere and even if I did, the depression mixed with my anxiety problems is stopping me from doing much of anything. This is so stupid. I know this. The logical part of me is like “Where do you want to go? Oh that’s right… you don’t really want to go anywhere.” I don’t know. I like knowing I have the option.

I dragged us all around for one weekend in which we drove down to Savannah, GA where I got to meet Angie of My So-Called Chaos in person as well as Aubrey of High-Heeled Love. And then I felt so guilty about it, knowing fully well that he just drove 4.5 hours home to be with me only to drive another 4 hours round trip the next day for me, followed by another 4.5 hours to get back to work Monday morning. So now I can’t even go places on the weekends – I feel guilty about it.

 

Jeremy Wants Me to Go Back to Work

I’m not completely against the idea. I do miss my job – certainly the money it brought in. But all I can think about is how unrealistic me going back to work is. Any job I would get… could get… it would require me to work weekends. We would never see each other and I think we’re under enough stress as it is without removing our relationship completely from the equation.

We could use the money. I mean everyone could use more money, right? I’d really like it if we could focus on paying down the credit card so that we can do some home improvement projects next year – like getting a fence and hiring someone to do landscaping. I recognize that if I went back to work and went back to paying all of my bills myself instead of only paying for a couple of them, we’d be so much better off.

But then who would be home to take care of all of the adulting Jeremy cannot possibly do because he’s out of town all week? Exactly. And again, I’d be working all weekend so we wouldn’t be able to spend any time together. We would be living completely separate lives which to be fair, I sometimes feel like we’re already doing. We joked so many times about how he wanted me to be happy with the house because I was the one who was living in it. I never once really stopped to think about the truth in that.

 

Still Not Pregnant…

One of my friends found out recently that she’s pregnant – again. To be fair, we weren’t really trying up until a year ago, but we weren’t preventing either. And during this entire time where we haven’t been preventing, my friend has gotten pregnant twice. It’s so stupid… because people get pregnant all the time and that’s life. But having someone so close to me to readily compare to makes it hurt so much more than I ever thought it could.

I’ve read about people having trouble conceiving and it always sounds so sad… and you never really think that that will be you one day. I couldn’t understand people tracking their menstrual cycles so closely, peeing on a million ovulation and pregnancy kits, taking temperatures or recording every weird little thing that goes on with their girly bits. But here I am… not pregnant and starting to understand what it feels like to be unable to conceive.

I’m angry at myself. I should have taken better care of my body – but that’s neither here nor there since I know there’s little more I could have afforded to do to take care of it. I know I’m only 30, but I’m not getting any younger and my PCOS has such a hold over me now.

And I’m angry at Jeremy because he could be the problem for all we know and I feel like he isn’t taking this as seriously or as to heart as I am. I asked him to bring it up with his Doctor – who was hesitant to do any testing and told him to wait 4 months and come back. FOUR MONTHS!? That’s another 4 months where I’m not getting pregnant and I’m beating myself up for it. So I’m upset and I’m once again angry at Jeremy for not pushing the issue. I wanted him to have an appointment set up to get tested. If the problem isn’t just me… well, at least then I know.

It’s the hope that hurts you the most. At least if I knew that there was something going on with Jeremy, I could accept that we’re not going to have a baby without help, and I would be able to eventually move on from this issue. But no, I’m remaining hopeful. Late period? Well, they are always late and weird… but when it seems more weird than usual, I get my hopes up. Maybe I’m pregnant! I wait a few days, I take a test… Negative. A few days later just in case… Negative.

It’s soul-crushing.

TMI, but you probably already have it figured out that we can only have sex on the weekends. So if I am on my period, it’s not going to happen (sorry – it’s just not my thing). That means WEEKS can go by without us having sex! It’s crazy. You kinda have to have sex in order to get pregnant… so there’s that.

 

My Ex-Husband Has Another Child

This one is stupid. It shouldn’t bother me. I shouldn’t let it get to me, but it does. He’s been dating a friend of a friend for a while now. Not really sure how long – but apparently at least long enough to have 2 children with her. I found out about the first one from a friend of mine who pulled me aside to ask if I knew him – because apparently, my ex-husband goes around telling people all about me, our marriage, and our daughter.

And the crazy part is that he told the truth. Everything. Including the fact that he physically and emotionally abused me. I know. It’s nuts and totally weird. That’s why my friend asked me about it – realizing that the story was eerily similar to the one they heard from me. This friend was kind enough to alert me as to his work location so it was one less place it was possible for me to bump into him. But he no longer has that job, and I live in this constant fear of running into him somewhere.

But anyways… the whole kid thing. Long story short – I found out via Facebook that he has yet another baby with this woman. And it really rubs me so raw. I’m not jealous, so please don’t get it twisted. Just because I cannot get pregnant, doesn’t mean I am jealous. What I am… is angry.

We’ve both made a lot of mistakes as far as Hailey is concerned. But I feel very alone in my quest to do better and be better for her while he’s off playing house with a woman and 2 other kids. What about Hailey? Is she getting the raw end of the deal? I have no idea. And now I feel like I’m not allowed to have more children because one of us needs to be an adult about this and put forth every ounce of energy and every available dime to be sure that Hailey has everything she needs and deserves.

 

So… Yeah

I’m overall just feeling a lot of things lately. Logically, they are all stupid and I need to get over it. But unfortunately, that’s not how these things work. I’m hoping that next month when we go to Florida to see Hailey for a bit, it’ll give me a breather from all of this and help me push the reset button on my emotions.

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